A Reformed Me

I don't know where to post my hodge podge thought. This is supposed to be a reaction paper in my Legal Counseling class. But because of the fact that I don't know how to react at all, I ended up making something that has nothing to do with the project. However, I still intend to pass this. Sayang naman.

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Few years ago, being proud is one of the traits that I fear, I may never lose up to the day I die. When I chose to go to law school after finishing college, some of my friends told me that I am in the right path, after all, most lawyers that they know are as proud as me. After about a week in law school, my so-called 'pride' and self-esteem hit an all-time low. I barely have a proud bone in my body anymore. Thanks to most of my professors, I managed to keep my feet on the ground. I learned that I am human and I still have much more to learn. At first, I don't understand what's with the recitations and humiliations. I thought being a lawyer is all about flaunting how good a person is when it comes to the law and finding loopholes in it. I entered law school feeling confident that I can do what most lawyers do, to lie and not to get caught, to boast but still appear intelligent, and to flaunt their knowledge but still look decent. What I am experiencing in law school is nowhere near those things. I can't lie at all, the professors know when I did and didn't study. They seem to have a psychic instinct. As for boasting, I feel like there is nothing to boast at all. All the achievements that I accumulated in high school and college doesn't seem to be applicable in law school at all. Lastly, on flaunting knowledge, I never feel confident at all whenever I am reciting in front of my professor. Even though I studied long and hard, the professors always find some question to throw at me that I don't know how to answer. How they do that, up to now, I still have no idea.

It will be lying if I say that I never felt out of place in my three years in San Beda College of Law. Most of the time, I had jitters. I always ask myself, "Is this path really for me?" Does learning the law worth every ounce of losing my former self? An unexpected answer came when I went to a court proceeding and watched it personally. The proceeding is nowhere near what people see in television. The real court room is smaller, there's not much space to walk, nor much space to sit. I found out that the fictional court room scenario that one sees on television where the lawyer can stand up and walk in front while asking the witness, is just that, a fiction, something created by television stations to give an interesting touch to a somewhat dull court room. Most people inside the court room have the so-called "pokerface" look. No one is laughing nor talking. Everyone is silent save for the defense lawyer who asks questions, the witnesses who answers it, and the clerk of court who translates everything from one language to another (English to Filipino and vice-versa). All three have voices that I can barely hear. There is conviction with every word they say but I am amazed because they managed to convey such conviction on such low voices. As for me and my companions, we were all holding our breaths. We avoid making unnecessary movements for fear of calling the judge's attention. Who knows, he might put us in contempt of court for disrupting court proceedings.

The interesting part in this court room scenario is the case itself. From what I can inferred, the case that the judge is hearing that day is about violation of Dangerous Drugs Act. The witness, who apparently, is also the accused, was giving her testimony on how she was captured by the policemen who charged her. While I was half-listening and half-observing, the big revealing answer to my mind-boggling question came to me in a rush. How dare I to question if I belong here. Of course I do. For as long as I can remember, I always dream to become a lawyer. There might be some time when I question that dream, but still, at the back of my mind, the desire is there. It is my life-long dream, and I am few years away from achieving it. Here I am, sitting in a court room, being here and watching this scenario. Something tells me that few years from now, I should be one of those two person sitting in front, busying myself with the matters of cases, I don't care whether I am a prosecutor or a defense lawyer, it is being a lawyer that matters.

I might never realize up to that moment, but I like the real court more than the fictional one. Yes, the facilities and ambience might not be nowhere near comparison since court rooms on televisions are way above "nice", "sweet" and "classy". But still, the fact that the real court room offers a much serious approach makes me think that I will choose the real one over the one in television. The real court room depicts something that no television can portray. It has a certain touch that one cannot capture on camera. I keep dwelling on that thought until I figured it out. I like the real court room scene more because it offers more room for sympathy, for emotions. It is reality in its best. Something is at stake, it is not just a story. One wrong something and the judge might have sentenced an innocent person for a few years in jail. One wrong something, and the guilty person might be freed from the crime that he should've been paying dear. All of these, it is there. Inside that small room with inadequate ventilation and seating. The lives of several accused is placed on the hand of their lawyers and the judge.

For once in my life, I found a meaning. I realized that I've been looking at it in different places. Of course law school is the first step, it is where I am re-socialized and taught on the technical aspects of being a lawyer. But the education does not end when I graduate there, it is only just beginning. The things that law school is showing me is just a glimpse, a mere overview, a bird's eye view, the tip of the iceberg. The professors are hardening us not because they want to. All the taunting, the sarcasm, the humiliation and the belittling, it is for something, it is not just because they are power-tripping. My professors wanted us to become better persons, not just proud lawyers. They want us to feel what it is like to be humbled so we can serve other people. That's what lawyering should be. Serving the people, being a public servant, enabling the masses to reach the justice that they deserve. Inside the four walls of that court room, I found more answers to the questions that I have. Staying there for just 3-4 hours has enabled me to adequately understand the true meaning of being a lawyer. They are not just there to rule, they are there to fight. The ability to bring condemn or free men with words, that is what the profession boasts. I promised myself right then and there that I will do everything to become a good lawyer if I ever passed the BAR. My purpose now is different, I no longer think of law as a profession for those with high pride. I no longer want to become a lawyer to have an excuse applying my proud side. I know what I should do now. I am a reformed me.